Excerpt From My Life

Do you remember primary school? A time when everything was nice and sweet and good? Well, for me I don't know about that, because I can barely remember primary school. Standards (Grades) 1 through 5 are a blur to me. Literally almost no recollection. However I do remember certain key moments. Like the morning of writing SEA, or getting results. I remember the class, and some teachers. But other than that not much.

I also remember my best friend, and that's who this story is about. I guess I'm just feeling rather nostalgic right now so I'm going to take a trip down memory lane.

We were the best of friends, him and I. I was the weird child but for some strange reason he was my friend. In fact, even though I hung out with all the boy's from school (well most of them) it was only because they liked him and barely tolerated me.

I guess I was always quite the strange person, but we were in primary school. We didn't understand stereotypes and cliches, and who was richer and poorer and gender and sexuality was ground into one simple thought "girls were icky." A thought which I maintained for the rest of my life, btw.

Okay, so back to my bf. I can't remember his name, seriously I would change it if I did but I don't. So we'll call him Sean. Sean and I were inseparable. I remember once we were talking and I said something like "I have plenty boy friends" to which he gasped and I quickly corrected the sentence.

I had of course meant that I had more male friends than female friends but even at that young age we were taught that statements like that were "wrong." So Sean and I were inseparable and he was the nicest boy I've ever met. He tolerated me and all my little quirks. I was quite a weird child, okay I am a weird child, up until recently I was completely unable to tie my shoe laces. He would tie them for me. Day after day, whenever they got untied wherever we were, he would do it. Sweet, no?

I also remember that we naively had a "fight" over who's hand was marked first. See, you know there veins in your hand somehow form a letter? Like an 'M' well, both ours matched and we insisted that it was because we held hands so much. Ah, childhood. It was the most adorable thing ever. Completely innocent, we were children. All children are like this, but isn't it just sweet?

I don't remember much else, but I remember we played a lot of stupid games and had fun for no real reason. We were young, innocent and stupid. And then, suddenly the strangest thing happened. We'd always be in the same class, or at least the same grade and this solidified our "friendship." But Come standard four he was kept back in Standard 3, or kept back in 4 when we entered 5. I don't remember.

Either way, apparently since our friendship was no longer convenient he simply wasn't my friend anymore. He stopped being my friend, if he ever was, and simply taunted and ridiculed me. I don't remember if I did something to him, but I don't think that was it. Suddenly we were aware of our differences I was moving on and he was being left behind. Perhaps if I had been older I would had understood that and reached out to him, but then if I was older I would have been smart enough to never become friends with him.

So I was thinking about him today. What ever happened to him? My first best friend. Makes me crave a boyfriend for some strange reason. A boyfriend who will tie my shoes for me! Kidding, kidding. Seriously though, I don't know if to be happy or sad that we stopped being friends. I mean, it happened to me and almost everyone else from Primary school but he was...-sigh- I don't know. Seriously, he has all the markings to become one of those arrogant, brand name wearing, pretty boy, idiots that I don't like from school. So maybe it was for the best.

Maybe he was my imaginary friend...

Book Review #1: Sections Of An Orange

So today, post-school I bought my first Caribbean based piece of GLBT literature. In fact, being 17 and in this country I bought my first piece of GLBT literature ever. Through some fast talking and quick-wit (ie: luck) I even bought said novel with my mother's money, while she was in the store next to me and demanding to see the book.

So, here is my very first Book Review. If my luck holds out, there may be another. It's entitled Sections of an orange and its written by Anton Nimblett. The CAISO website (see previous posts) tipped me off to the presence of a Trinidadian author writing Gay, Caribbean literature -from the relative safety of the US. Needless to say I was intrigued when I found out and ecstatic when they informed me that the novel was carried by NRK (Nigel R' Khan's) my favorite bookstore. The price was 115 dollars which wasn't that bad. Wasn't my money, after all. So, let's begin:

Firstly, the model on the cover is very, very cute. His eyes are amazing. (The tattoo, not so much, but okay.) Secondly, I'm pissed. Anton Nimblett is a good, perhaps great, writer. So the only fault I could find was that the stories finished far too quickly. As it stands I read the entire novel cover to cover in a little under 3 hours. Straight. It was amazing, and now I'm craving more. For my first piece of literature (baby's first gay novel, awwwww) it was a dynamic mix of elements. Both gay and straight relationships, young and old with the telltale whispers of being written by someone who understands far too much for his own good. The stories delve deeply into the realm of Trinidadian living while still migrating back to foreign (American) stories fluidly enough to happen without friction.

So, I don't want to spoil anything about the novel, so I'll just say that while my experience with literature of this genre is limited, I am a reader at heart, and I can honestly say that this IS a good novel. For anyone out there who reads/has read this novel, here's a list of my favorite stories. In no particular order.

5) On The Side (as a critique, the use of similar names for the characters confused me. But I intend to read the entire novel over. That should remedy that.)
4) Sections Of An Orange
3) Ring Games
2) How Far, How Long.
1) One, Two, Three - Push (So much can be said about this story. It's just...epic)



Okay I lied, those ARE in a order. From fifth favorite, to first (most) favorite. That aside, ALL the stories were interesting reads. They've left me wondering exactly what happens to them after the end of their story!? (Especially the first story, Visiting Soldiers.) Mr. Anton, I hold you directly responsible for this.

Overall: Four Out Of Five Stars. Bravo.

Dear Michelle Smith

F-U. Seriously. You deserve that. I've seen many, many low people before in my life but never have I seen someone sink this low. Your heart must be so twisted deep down inside. I feel sorry for you but yet I can't bring myself to care for you if you can't care for us.

Let me explain. Our country's Women Express has been gently probing the edge of homosexuality lately. With interesting articles that while not exactly PRO-Gays they weren't exactly ANTI-gay either. So as long as they were portraying us as human beings I was fine with it. Then along came Ms. Smith. Lesbian extraordinaire. Ms. Smith claims to be a lesbain from Jamica who was "saved by god" from "demonic forces." Yes, seriously.

I'll summarize here, but the full story is at (http://www.trinidadexpress.com/index.pl/article_woman_mag?id=161539675) or (http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=978-1-60799-842-6)

So, lets quickly debunk Ms. Smith's story. Firstly, she claims that "demonic forces" made her "think she was a man." Sorry to tell you honey, but if you think you're a man than makes you transsexual not homosexual. You need to pray for something else entirely. The same applies to wearing men's clothes you're a cross dresser and/or a transsexual but these things CAN (and often are) mutually exclusive form being homosexual.


"I came into the church a man and people saw me leaving as a woman." Excuse me? Don't confuse society's current definition of a man with being a man. At its smallest form a man is simply a formation of chromosomes, genes and genitalia. A man is not someone who walks a certain way or talks a certain way. Nor is a woman someone who wears make up and jewelry. (The Egyptians are responsible for this and both Egyptian men and women wore these things as a sign of wealth not gender.) So unless you walked in with a (excuse my language) penis and walked out with breasts no one "saw you leaving as a woman."

I've been meaning to get this out there. This may be a little complex, but try to follow me. A lesbian, according to this woman is someone who thinks, acts and wants to be a man. Having "penis envy." Thus, this person wants to be with a woman. A woman is someone who is feminine and curvy and wears makeup and all that like. Now then, if two lesbians get together each having penis envy and craving a woman who is feminine won't they be unsatisfied? Under the logic that lesbians are manly and "butch" searching for feminine women they'll have a failed relationship because women that are curvy and feminine are straight. So a lesbian relationship will thus, become a pseudo-gay (male) relationship.

Likewise, if a gay man is someone who is very effeminate and seeks a male who is butch and manly but that type of man is straight then two gay men in a relationship are creating a pseudo-lesbian relationship. Do you follow? The stereotypes society attempts to place on lesbian and gay couples stupidly traps them into a long winding road of defining the relationship. If we are the stereotype and it's a "demon" inside us then we won't get what we want from a relationship and it won't last. Which is proven false due to the actual presence of long lasting gay relationships.

Finally, returning to Ms. Smith's article and book.

"I could feel the demonic forces leaving me," she said. "And when the spirit of lesbianism left me I saw myself as a woman again."She had prayed for two weeks straight - begging the Holy Spirit. "God if you are real I want to know. I want to know you Lord." It was a desperate cry. "Let me know you. I want to know you." she begged.

Two weeks? You prayed for two weeks? Try two years. Try crying yourself to sleep at night, every night for two years. Praying, fasting, reading the bible. Screaming, crying, begging and pleading even bargaining with god for him to take away the demonic spirits. I didn't realize God was in the business of playing favorites. Your two weeks is better than my two years? My years of faithful christian service before that? Smith says she was never religious and lived a life of sin. I lived for my religion and tried my best every day to live pure and holy. Your TWO WEEKS are better than what I've done? Or does god like you more? Which is it? Why do YOU get saved while so many of us seek salvation and are denied? You think we don't want to "change" our mindset and be free? You think we ASK for this day after day? To be ridiculed, separated from our churches, our families, our friends and even our god?

You, Ms. Smith are a hypocrite. Your two weeks of faithful praying is nothing compared to those out there who've dedicated their life to God and been handed an attraction that their god then deems ungodly. It isn't fair that you're now turning around and showing these people your back. That you're telling them they're not good enough. Not as good at praying and begging as you are. Because you were saved. What about us, Ms. Smith? What about us?

Yourself or Others?

If you had to choose between being able to help yourself, or being able to help others which would you pick? To make that less vague, lets say your gay (since you're reading this I assume you are, if you're not that's awesome) and you have the ability, the know how, the eloquence and the resources to help millions of people would you do it? The answer is yes, of course. But what if doing it meant coming out of the closet? Being open about your same-sex-attractions and your feelings. If it meant telling your family and closet friends. If it meant persecution, if it meant dying for your cause.

Suddenly it's not all black and white, now is it? Admittedly over the years we've had many martyrs who have died for their particular causes. I'm sure many have died for the cause of equal rights time and time again, it seems every time society gives one group equal rights it has to take away another's, as if this forms some kind of equilibrium. So back to the question, would you come out if it meant saving countless lives, tears and problems for others?

In short, my answer is no. And so is yours. It takes a special person to be a martyr, and while I am ashamed that I hold not the courage to be one I will not stand here and lie to you and say that I am. It is human nature to save yourself first. Survival is ingrained, it's an instict stronger than most bonds in our lives. I'm not saying their aren't amazing people out there who will save that child from a fire, or strip themselves bare for a stranger. I'm merely saying that these people are one in a million.

And maybe this is the problem with T&T maybe we're all talk and no action. Maybe that's why we haven't achieved equal rights just yet. Maybe. Is it fair though, that we as a society need to vent our frustration upon the oppressed until its no longer profitable or humane? Is it fair that they have to tear people apart time and time again until society's outcry drowns out their own inhumane cries for blood?

So what do we do? Is it possible to save both yourselves and others? For many people the answer is no, after all, coming out, especially in this country, is opening up yourself for intense torture. So what do we do? How do we make a difference? Do we start a blog? I don't see mine helping in any way, so I guess the short answer is no then. So what? I have no clue, that isn't a rhetorical question.

I wish their was a way to have your cake and eat it too. I was over at gspottt a moment ago and that's what sparked this post. I would love to make a contribute to them, but I'm too paranoid to send them information about myself, however confidential they may be. I know most of you are too. Paranoid is part and parcel of being gay these days. Constantly looking over your back, secretly watching your actions, searching the net and then deleting your history twice just in case.

Check out that site thought. ( http://gspottt.wordpress.com/) CAISO, The Coalition Advocating for Inclusion of Sexual Orientation is a step. A small step, but a step all the same. So back to my original thought, I was thinking about it and maybe we can have it both ways. We're underground, I know that, but what about people like me? Who are too young to go to parties and join dating sites (scary, btw.) Or those who don't enjoy the club scene (also me, btw) what do we do then?

I'm hoping to also start an organization, or perhaps just a group. An msn chat time, or adding a chatbox to my blog. Something, anything to get us heard and yet remain anonymous. Feel free to email me ideas or comment about them here. (If there's something like this out there, feel free to link me!) Please, seriously have we made strides forward? Maybe we have, but I haven't seen them. Which means there's children out there like me who haven't either. There's abused, suicidal, alcoholic and even angry gay people out there. They have to be out there, and we should reach out to them. Someone should make a stand against what has affected us. I know in comparison to some stories, mine is probably pretty shallow and easy to live through but we have to help who we can, when we can.

If you can help both yourself and others will you choose only to save yourself?

Yours Truly, Mathias.

Fun Facts #1

I wanted to post something simple to jump back into blogging so here we go.

Did you know, that Trinidad and Tobago has like the highest gay porn searches on Google? Worldwide more people in T&T search for gay porn than in any other country? I think this was last year I checked these statistics but it amuses me all the same. I can't remember how I checked them though...ah, wait.

http://www.google.com/insights/search/#q=gay%20porn&cmpt=q

Go there, have a look. I hope I'm reading it right, if I am its hilariously amusing.

Apologies

My computer was down and I've only recently returned. I'm back now, and ready to post about what I've heard.

Recently I heard about some sort of "covert" gay meeting between gay persons and religious leaders (or something like that.) It was published in the Woman's express I believe. It seems that while the gay society is hiding from ME it has no problems showing itself to everyone else out there via the press! Apparently we're trying to attain equal rights and the like. I'm sorry to be pessimistic, but I don't see that happening any time soon. Trinidad is a very, very homophobic place. (See post on homophobia.) I guess this is either a continuation of the last NGO movement I mentioned, or a different one. I hope it's the latter, that way there's more support. Maybe I should start a movement...

Anyway, yes homosexuality also made a debut in the Student's press a while ago, can't remember the exact reasons but a minister (or someone) made a statement that children who were abused/teased in schools wouldn't be treated differently because of sexual orientation. Or something along those lines, again I sincerely doubt it. Sometimes (often) Trinidad says one thing and does another.

Now that you know I'm alive, I'm off. Until next three months (haha, just kidding...I hope) later.

Homophobia. One Of Many.

It's time. I promised discussions on this very topic, and I was really going to wait a while longer but I'm pissed. Extremely pissed. See, Trinidad & Tobago is homophobic. I mentioned that before, yes? Well, apparently there was some NGO movement to get the government to legalize it. Which is interesting. But I was reading the article online and I saw a ton of comments. Stupid, homophobic comments. Now really, in the spirit of being fair if you want to be homophobic go right ahead. Just don't bring it around me. But when you're STUPID that's a different issue. I'd like you all to take a look at the following quote from aforementioned comment list.

"Not because it is popular it is right. What about God's rights? Was not this the reason for the Biblical version of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah? I sincerely hope that Government does not legislate on what could easily be corrected by sex change operations.Let us keep it as Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve."

That's the tenth comment from the top on this here page. (http://www.trinidadexpress.com/index.pl/article_news?id=161478770) Okay, so let's examine that comment. Your poor grammar will be ignored for the purpose of this post, let's move on to your comment about sex changes. Firstly, what!? You want me to have a sex change? I'm gay. G-A-Y. By freaking DEFINITION that means I'm a BOY who likes BOYS. If I was to have a sex change, that'd be another form of "curing" homosexuality. Secondly, last I checked sex changes weren't exactly possible. Sure, you can perform a high cost, high risk surgery, but do the...parts actually work? So rather than getting the same freedom you get, I should put myself under MORE risks, stress and drama? I don't think so. I don't want to spend a great portion of my life injecting hormones into my body to maintain an image I don't want. I'm gay, and there's a difference between gay, asexual, transsexual, a cross-dressed and every other thing!

If we were to argue religion, lets not forget that the "body is the temple of the lord." I think changing your SEX might be worse than having gay sex. But who knows. Most Christians I know are anti-sex changes. 

You know what's wrong with homophobes? They make no sense. I'm yet to here a rational arguement against homosexuality. Don't you dare argue god with me, because not everyone is of your religion and religions give people the FREEDOM of choice. So with religion successfully taken off the table what does that leave? The next most popular one is animals. Animals aren't gay, so why should we be!? Ignoring the fact that we shouldn't take lessons from our {so called inferior kin} guess what, animals ARE gay. Yes. Indeed! On that page I linked above there's some fool who claims that's a "lie made up by the homosexuals." Yes, of course we made it up. 

Next? I've heard some outrageous claims that straight people don't flaunt it, and that's why homosexuality is wrong. Because we flaunt it. You DO flaunt it. Picture if you couldn't walk down the street with your boyfriend or girlfriend and hold their hand. If you couldn't kiss in public. If you were in high school and couldn't introduce them as your b/gf? If you couldn't get married in a fancy church surrounded by your family. If you couldn't open introductions with the words "this is my husband/wife -" THAT'S flaunting it. Straight people flaunt it EVERYDAY. They have no idea that they flaunt it either, and that's the funny thing.

Please, if there's anyone out there with a logical arguement against homosexuality, send me an email, I'll be happy to debunk it in my next rant about homophobia. Now, I've got homework to go and do, so I'll end this post here. mathiasisgod@live.com

Hate(Love) You(?)

I hate you. You know that? Just so you do, I'll explain it. It's because you did this to me. Yes you. It's so ridiculous. You can't just make someone love you and then up and leave. Maybe I left you? You didn't even notice how I felt; neither did I.

I won't cry our shout, or tell you how much better I'd treat you. God knows, I'd be lying. I don't love you more or less than she does. But I hate you more, much more, for stepping on my heart as you left. 

That's a metaphor my dear, or I think it is, see you were blind to my existence for all of these years that you "knew me." So how could you know I was falling in love? You didn't know me, but then, I didn't know you either. Now you're back in my life and I'm happy with tears.

The problem with this silly letter to you, is that you'll never read it. If you stumble across it in passing, maybe on my death bed's table, you'll read it and be so confused. Yes, this is for you. If you ever read this you won't know it's about you.

Then why do I write it on blood/tear stained pages? Because if I don't I'll love/hate you for the rest of my life. I don't want that, god knows its not healthy.

Giving you up.
Never been yours, Mathias. 


Just a letter-rant I wrote awhile back. It's dated midnight and I didn't want to do too much editing to it, but I thought I could post it up here where I could use the right pronouns and not have to hide what it is really about.

Trinidad & Tobago {A Tropical Nightmare?}

Firstly, before we get started, I'd just like to say that I have been dead. Well, okay now that that's done I guess I've just been too lazy to actually write anything here. But I'm trying again here, so wish me luck. Today, I want to try and rank up some buzz for the demographic that I want to aim at. People in Trinidad who might be gay or on our side. I don't want this blog to be hidden behind hundreds of pointless search results if someone is looking. So in that spirit I'm gonna do a little piece on my country itself and see if that won't drum up some um...I don't know what exactly, this whole traffic thing is  bit confusing.

Trinidad & Tobago. (Trin-ee-dad & Ta-bay-go) Most of you out there in other, non-Caribbean, countries probably won't even know who we are. T and T (hereafter referred to simply as Trinidad) is a small tiny island somewhere near to Venezuela (sorry, geography isn't my strong suit.) Well, to be truthful we're two main islands. Trinidad, the larger of the two, and Tobago. We're also surrounded by various other tiny, tiny islands. When a small island calls you tiny, you know you're tiny. But yes, moving on. If you've been paying attention lately here's what we may have been (in)famous for:

1: Summit Of The Americas (waste of time and resources...)
2: Crime

If I'm right I believe Europe or some country warned their citizens against visiting our country because of the crime rate and I think it was unanimous among international journalist that the summit had been a fiasco of ridiculous proportions. Doesn't that make us amazing? I'm not our country's biggest fan. Since this is suppose to be a blog on gay issues I'll be sure not to go completely off topic and talk about the gay issue in Trinidad.

Now, I'm no expert so I can only say my personal experience. If you've been active and up to date in your current gay-issues you may have heard about the ban on Jamaican products (Jamaica: The most homophobic island or something like that. I agree. But more on that at another time.) This was because Jamaica is infamous for it's homophobic nature and all that. Trinidad isn't like that. Let me go off topic to explain.

Homophobia: in my opinion is like a disease. It's culturally transmitted (and indoctrinated but let's not go there) and has symptoms which range from confusion and disgust to hatred and violence. It's an interesting thing, much like every person in the world, some homophobes are totally twisted individuals while others simply don't know better. Some people are sick with homophobia like if it's a flu, some people have, and spread it, like if it's AIDS.

Back on Track. In the scale of things Jamaican homophobia would be like AIDS. It's widespread, it's deadly and people are getting hurt left, right and center. Trinidadian homophobia, however, is more like a flu. It is disgusting and vile and everyone gets it at one point or another. Trinidad is full of very religious people. But they don't know it. Scratch that, they're hypocrites. See, you'll see someone walking down the street cursing, drinking, smoking doing everything "un-christian" like, to use that particular religion, and then this person will turn around and be homophobic. Even using scriptures and religion to defend himself. People in this country are so stuck in their ways that they end up using religion as a prop to keep things the way they are. (We still have our laws from when we were ruled by the British. ie: buggery is illegal.)

I've run out of fumes, I don't know what else I can say about my country. I'll try to rap up some points and continue this in another part. In Trinidad the gay life is invisible. It's there, I know it is but finding it is nearly impossible. No one is going to come out and tell you that they're gay (no one that I've met, anyway.) If I'd have to use another metaphor, Trinidad is one big, giant closet. Where everyone hides who they truly are. Because no one is perfect enough to meet up to our old, outdated standards of judgment.  It's time for a change, Trinidad, really it's time for a change in the entire world. 

"Fixing the world isn't about fixing society, it's about fixing ourselves so we can find the strength to help each other to help society." - Me, on painkillers and not nearly enough sleep. 

Pointless Ramble

So after spending about 15-20 minutes fighting to sign in to my account, only to realize later that I was using the wrong @--- suffix, I'm not sure I still want to write this, but here goes.

Sometimes I wonder why. Nothing more than that really. Just, why. Why to every single thing. Why am I, of all people, gay. Don't get me wrong, I've come to love and embrace it. But like most people I started off in a troubled place internally and it took years of internal struggle to reach this far. And I'm anything but perfect. So let's see, today's why is this. Why am I fighting.

See, my plan is to hold out in my country as long as I can and then move to America where I can be free and happy. In essence, gay. I've been plagued with some serious doubt. I mean, what if I fight so long, so much and so hard that I win what I want, only to realize it's not what I want? What do I want out of fleeing this country? If you asked me that point blank I'd probably take forever to finish answering. The short answer is, a life. Being here just doesn't feel like living. Don't get me wrong, I love my country, honestly, but sometimes I can't help but hate it too. For what it's done to me. 

A less cryptic answer would be love & freedom. The ability to be gay and have a boyfriend (husband?) but then, many states don't let you get married and many people are intolerant pigs. Would I totally flip out if someone gave me that look? Or would I be cool about it? Do I even want love? Wanting it when you can't have it is one thing, but having it is often a completely other thing. Sometimes I wonder, what if I can't have a healthy relationship with someone. What if I can't find someone? Would it kill me a little more inside? 

I hate to be a whiney bitch, really I do. But I can't help wondering. Sometimes I imagine life here would be a lot easier. My parents are here, my siblings, my friends. People who would make things easy for me. I would barely have to fight. So why fight? Fighting takes so much energy. I don't know how much longer I can fight. It's unhealthy to want so many things you can't have and yet remaining here is the easy way out, isn't that ironic? Leaving is growing up, staying here is being a child, I know that. And yet, I want to be a child. I fear I've rambled off topic but bare with me. This is a small pity party that will probably only get worse, so leave now if you can't stand it.

I was so sure of what I was going to say when I started this post. I was going to be eloquent and charming but that's all blown to shit so let's just move on. Fighting against these people is tough, and it'd be easier to give in. But giving in means taking the easy way out and staying here, and I don't want that, I want, need, to grow up. Being away from this place won't be easy, I'll have to fight there too but I'll fight. 

But why do  I fight? Why do all but literally force myself out of bed each day dreading the comments I'm bound to hear at least once or twice that day? Why do I stay awake each night, unable to sleep, thinking about a better life? Why do I set myself up for the (high) possibility of failure? Even though not getting what I'm fighting for may kill me? What if I find my dream guy, only he has his own dream guy that isn't me? What if I find my dream job, only to realize I can't stand it? What if...

I suppose everybody goes through such questions in their life. I'm not special in that regard, and I'm somewhat thankful. Makes you feel a bit closer to people. You know...I guess misery really does love company. If everyone can't understand what it's like to be gay, at least they can understand the basic things that make us human. Doubt, envy, love and pain. Emotions are what link us together as a whole.

So suddenly as I was brushing my teeth downstairs a moment ago, it hit me. The reason why I fight. Not the most creative time, but it never is. So here it is, why do I fight? Because I'm not fighting for material things. I'm fighting for the basic things that make us human. I'm fighting for the ability to feel doubt and envy, love and pain. I'm fighting for what society tells me I can't have, because I'm not like everyone else. And when I do get it, I'll relish every emotion filled minute of it and I'll still fight. I'll fight for all those who are unable to fight for themselves, who aren't strong, or old enough to fight for themselves. For those who have lost the will to fight, I'll fight. I'll fight. 

When Good Christians Go Bad, Part 1

Today I want to look at an issue that has been sort of bubbling around in my mind for some time now. I am not a Christian (anymore) and while my reason for leaving the faith is deeply intertwined with my sexuality, it's not entirely the reason. Firstly, Christians are the most hypocritical persons on the face of the planet. Yes, I said it. I'm not saying that there aren't good Christian people out there, I'm sure there are. I know a few of them. However, many Christians abuse their "god given privilege." Today we'll look at one example.

Firstly, I'd like you all to meet the Duggars. For those of you who are unware, the Duggars are a ordinary, christian family. Only difference is, they have 18 children. At my last count, that is. You see, the Duggars believe that God should dictate how many children they have, not modern science or you know, common sense. Well, okay, but why don't we take that a step further then? Let god build your home (rather than selling out to a reality tv show that provides for your sex fetish.) Rightfully speaking if you want to use God's name to attack contaceptives and all that stuff, then be logical. Refuse blood transfusions, painkillers and c-sections. Have your children at home, and feel the pain. It's only the next logical step.

God gives people wisdom, this is the wisdom that allowed us to build cities and create modern medicine as we know it. It's what has allowed humanity to survive for so long. Go forth and multiply is a pointless scripture in this context. Does the world really need more children? 

However, all is not lost. I for one believe this is either a show of just how stupid people are, or one huge publicity stunt (a stupid stunt.) After all, why would any woman logically go through the pain of childbirth 18 times, for a man? What is wrong with her? That's my question. Secondly, look at the names of their children. The father is Jim Duggar and the kids are Joshua, Jana and John-David (twins), Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah and Jeremiah (twins), Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, and Jordyn-Grace, oh, and there's the dog Jazmine (Duggar?) Apparently, the letter J has some signifigance to these people. 

Furthering their blatant hypocricy is the release of their book in '08 The Duggars: 20 and Counting. Is this not a publicity thing? They're making money off their outrageous ideas. Certainly god never said that? Go forth and multiply so that the world may give you money for being stupid. I have no problem with someone wanting to have many, many children. If that woman wants to risk her life time and time again to have children for a (clearly) insane man then so be it. However, claiming to be Christian and that this is God's will is ridculious. "God" will stop you from having children, fear not, you just might die in the process. 

You can check wikipedia for more informtation on the Duggars. 

Hello & Welcome World!

Hello...welcome to a world of insanity not quite as sane as the rabbit hole. Dorthy has nothing on us. Wait...oh, whatever. Well, firstly, to begin, let me explain exactly what's gonna happen here. Welcome to MY blog. Yes, it's all mine. Isn't that cool? Anyway, some basic information on me:

I am 17 years old, and I live in Trinidad & Tobago. The kicker? I'm gay. If things make more sense now let's move on. This blog will just be a place for me to ramble about all things gay-related. Especially living closeted (wardrobed?) in a small, tiny island such as ours. Prepare for serious discussions on homophobia, heterophobia and anything else I can think of. 

As a side note, anyone out there wishing to send me an email can do so. Hate mails are amusing and taste good when cooked like smores, so feel free to send those too.

mathiasisgod@live.com is the email to send it to, have fun!