Hate(Love) You(?)

I hate you. You know that? Just so you do, I'll explain it. It's because you did this to me. Yes you. It's so ridiculous. You can't just make someone love you and then up and leave. Maybe I left you? You didn't even notice how I felt; neither did I.

I won't cry our shout, or tell you how much better I'd treat you. God knows, I'd be lying. I don't love you more or less than she does. But I hate you more, much more, for stepping on my heart as you left. 

That's a metaphor my dear, or I think it is, see you were blind to my existence for all of these years that you "knew me." So how could you know I was falling in love? You didn't know me, but then, I didn't know you either. Now you're back in my life and I'm happy with tears.

The problem with this silly letter to you, is that you'll never read it. If you stumble across it in passing, maybe on my death bed's table, you'll read it and be so confused. Yes, this is for you. If you ever read this you won't know it's about you.

Then why do I write it on blood/tear stained pages? Because if I don't I'll love/hate you for the rest of my life. I don't want that, god knows its not healthy.

Giving you up.
Never been yours, Mathias. 


Just a letter-rant I wrote awhile back. It's dated midnight and I didn't want to do too much editing to it, but I thought I could post it up here where I could use the right pronouns and not have to hide what it is really about.

Trinidad & Tobago {A Tropical Nightmare?}

Firstly, before we get started, I'd just like to say that I have been dead. Well, okay now that that's done I guess I've just been too lazy to actually write anything here. But I'm trying again here, so wish me luck. Today, I want to try and rank up some buzz for the demographic that I want to aim at. People in Trinidad who might be gay or on our side. I don't want this blog to be hidden behind hundreds of pointless search results if someone is looking. So in that spirit I'm gonna do a little piece on my country itself and see if that won't drum up some um...I don't know what exactly, this whole traffic thing is  bit confusing.

Trinidad & Tobago. (Trin-ee-dad & Ta-bay-go) Most of you out there in other, non-Caribbean, countries probably won't even know who we are. T and T (hereafter referred to simply as Trinidad) is a small tiny island somewhere near to Venezuela (sorry, geography isn't my strong suit.) Well, to be truthful we're two main islands. Trinidad, the larger of the two, and Tobago. We're also surrounded by various other tiny, tiny islands. When a small island calls you tiny, you know you're tiny. But yes, moving on. If you've been paying attention lately here's what we may have been (in)famous for:

1: Summit Of The Americas (waste of time and resources...)
2: Crime

If I'm right I believe Europe or some country warned their citizens against visiting our country because of the crime rate and I think it was unanimous among international journalist that the summit had been a fiasco of ridiculous proportions. Doesn't that make us amazing? I'm not our country's biggest fan. Since this is suppose to be a blog on gay issues I'll be sure not to go completely off topic and talk about the gay issue in Trinidad.

Now, I'm no expert so I can only say my personal experience. If you've been active and up to date in your current gay-issues you may have heard about the ban on Jamaican products (Jamaica: The most homophobic island or something like that. I agree. But more on that at another time.) This was because Jamaica is infamous for it's homophobic nature and all that. Trinidad isn't like that. Let me go off topic to explain.

Homophobia: in my opinion is like a disease. It's culturally transmitted (and indoctrinated but let's not go there) and has symptoms which range from confusion and disgust to hatred and violence. It's an interesting thing, much like every person in the world, some homophobes are totally twisted individuals while others simply don't know better. Some people are sick with homophobia like if it's a flu, some people have, and spread it, like if it's AIDS.

Back on Track. In the scale of things Jamaican homophobia would be like AIDS. It's widespread, it's deadly and people are getting hurt left, right and center. Trinidadian homophobia, however, is more like a flu. It is disgusting and vile and everyone gets it at one point or another. Trinidad is full of very religious people. But they don't know it. Scratch that, they're hypocrites. See, you'll see someone walking down the street cursing, drinking, smoking doing everything "un-christian" like, to use that particular religion, and then this person will turn around and be homophobic. Even using scriptures and religion to defend himself. People in this country are so stuck in their ways that they end up using religion as a prop to keep things the way they are. (We still have our laws from when we were ruled by the British. ie: buggery is illegal.)

I've run out of fumes, I don't know what else I can say about my country. I'll try to rap up some points and continue this in another part. In Trinidad the gay life is invisible. It's there, I know it is but finding it is nearly impossible. No one is going to come out and tell you that they're gay (no one that I've met, anyway.) If I'd have to use another metaphor, Trinidad is one big, giant closet. Where everyone hides who they truly are. Because no one is perfect enough to meet up to our old, outdated standards of judgment.  It's time for a change, Trinidad, really it's time for a change in the entire world. 

"Fixing the world isn't about fixing society, it's about fixing ourselves so we can find the strength to help each other to help society." - Me, on painkillers and not nearly enough sleep. 

Pointless Ramble

So after spending about 15-20 minutes fighting to sign in to my account, only to realize later that I was using the wrong @--- suffix, I'm not sure I still want to write this, but here goes.

Sometimes I wonder why. Nothing more than that really. Just, why. Why to every single thing. Why am I, of all people, gay. Don't get me wrong, I've come to love and embrace it. But like most people I started off in a troubled place internally and it took years of internal struggle to reach this far. And I'm anything but perfect. So let's see, today's why is this. Why am I fighting.

See, my plan is to hold out in my country as long as I can and then move to America where I can be free and happy. In essence, gay. I've been plagued with some serious doubt. I mean, what if I fight so long, so much and so hard that I win what I want, only to realize it's not what I want? What do I want out of fleeing this country? If you asked me that point blank I'd probably take forever to finish answering. The short answer is, a life. Being here just doesn't feel like living. Don't get me wrong, I love my country, honestly, but sometimes I can't help but hate it too. For what it's done to me. 

A less cryptic answer would be love & freedom. The ability to be gay and have a boyfriend (husband?) but then, many states don't let you get married and many people are intolerant pigs. Would I totally flip out if someone gave me that look? Or would I be cool about it? Do I even want love? Wanting it when you can't have it is one thing, but having it is often a completely other thing. Sometimes I wonder, what if I can't have a healthy relationship with someone. What if I can't find someone? Would it kill me a little more inside? 

I hate to be a whiney bitch, really I do. But I can't help wondering. Sometimes I imagine life here would be a lot easier. My parents are here, my siblings, my friends. People who would make things easy for me. I would barely have to fight. So why fight? Fighting takes so much energy. I don't know how much longer I can fight. It's unhealthy to want so many things you can't have and yet remaining here is the easy way out, isn't that ironic? Leaving is growing up, staying here is being a child, I know that. And yet, I want to be a child. I fear I've rambled off topic but bare with me. This is a small pity party that will probably only get worse, so leave now if you can't stand it.

I was so sure of what I was going to say when I started this post. I was going to be eloquent and charming but that's all blown to shit so let's just move on. Fighting against these people is tough, and it'd be easier to give in. But giving in means taking the easy way out and staying here, and I don't want that, I want, need, to grow up. Being away from this place won't be easy, I'll have to fight there too but I'll fight. 

But why do  I fight? Why do all but literally force myself out of bed each day dreading the comments I'm bound to hear at least once or twice that day? Why do I stay awake each night, unable to sleep, thinking about a better life? Why do I set myself up for the (high) possibility of failure? Even though not getting what I'm fighting for may kill me? What if I find my dream guy, only he has his own dream guy that isn't me? What if I find my dream job, only to realize I can't stand it? What if...

I suppose everybody goes through such questions in their life. I'm not special in that regard, and I'm somewhat thankful. Makes you feel a bit closer to people. You know...I guess misery really does love company. If everyone can't understand what it's like to be gay, at least they can understand the basic things that make us human. Doubt, envy, love and pain. Emotions are what link us together as a whole.

So suddenly as I was brushing my teeth downstairs a moment ago, it hit me. The reason why I fight. Not the most creative time, but it never is. So here it is, why do I fight? Because I'm not fighting for material things. I'm fighting for the basic things that make us human. I'm fighting for the ability to feel doubt and envy, love and pain. I'm fighting for what society tells me I can't have, because I'm not like everyone else. And when I do get it, I'll relish every emotion filled minute of it and I'll still fight. I'll fight for all those who are unable to fight for themselves, who aren't strong, or old enough to fight for themselves. For those who have lost the will to fight, I'll fight. I'll fight.