Pointless Ramble

So after spending about 15-20 minutes fighting to sign in to my account, only to realize later that I was using the wrong @--- suffix, I'm not sure I still want to write this, but here goes.

Sometimes I wonder why. Nothing more than that really. Just, why. Why to every single thing. Why am I, of all people, gay. Don't get me wrong, I've come to love and embrace it. But like most people I started off in a troubled place internally and it took years of internal struggle to reach this far. And I'm anything but perfect. So let's see, today's why is this. Why am I fighting.

See, my plan is to hold out in my country as long as I can and then move to America where I can be free and happy. In essence, gay. I've been plagued with some serious doubt. I mean, what if I fight so long, so much and so hard that I win what I want, only to realize it's not what I want? What do I want out of fleeing this country? If you asked me that point blank I'd probably take forever to finish answering. The short answer is, a life. Being here just doesn't feel like living. Don't get me wrong, I love my country, honestly, but sometimes I can't help but hate it too. For what it's done to me. 

A less cryptic answer would be love & freedom. The ability to be gay and have a boyfriend (husband?) but then, many states don't let you get married and many people are intolerant pigs. Would I totally flip out if someone gave me that look? Or would I be cool about it? Do I even want love? Wanting it when you can't have it is one thing, but having it is often a completely other thing. Sometimes I wonder, what if I can't have a healthy relationship with someone. What if I can't find someone? Would it kill me a little more inside? 

I hate to be a whiney bitch, really I do. But I can't help wondering. Sometimes I imagine life here would be a lot easier. My parents are here, my siblings, my friends. People who would make things easy for me. I would barely have to fight. So why fight? Fighting takes so much energy. I don't know how much longer I can fight. It's unhealthy to want so many things you can't have and yet remaining here is the easy way out, isn't that ironic? Leaving is growing up, staying here is being a child, I know that. And yet, I want to be a child. I fear I've rambled off topic but bare with me. This is a small pity party that will probably only get worse, so leave now if you can't stand it.

I was so sure of what I was going to say when I started this post. I was going to be eloquent and charming but that's all blown to shit so let's just move on. Fighting against these people is tough, and it'd be easier to give in. But giving in means taking the easy way out and staying here, and I don't want that, I want, need, to grow up. Being away from this place won't be easy, I'll have to fight there too but I'll fight. 

But why do  I fight? Why do all but literally force myself out of bed each day dreading the comments I'm bound to hear at least once or twice that day? Why do I stay awake each night, unable to sleep, thinking about a better life? Why do I set myself up for the (high) possibility of failure? Even though not getting what I'm fighting for may kill me? What if I find my dream guy, only he has his own dream guy that isn't me? What if I find my dream job, only to realize I can't stand it? What if...

I suppose everybody goes through such questions in their life. I'm not special in that regard, and I'm somewhat thankful. Makes you feel a bit closer to people. You know...I guess misery really does love company. If everyone can't understand what it's like to be gay, at least they can understand the basic things that make us human. Doubt, envy, love and pain. Emotions are what link us together as a whole.

So suddenly as I was brushing my teeth downstairs a moment ago, it hit me. The reason why I fight. Not the most creative time, but it never is. So here it is, why do I fight? Because I'm not fighting for material things. I'm fighting for the basic things that make us human. I'm fighting for the ability to feel doubt and envy, love and pain. I'm fighting for what society tells me I can't have, because I'm not like everyone else. And when I do get it, I'll relish every emotion filled minute of it and I'll still fight. I'll fight for all those who are unable to fight for themselves, who aren't strong, or old enough to fight for themselves. For those who have lost the will to fight, I'll fight. I'll fight.