ISAIAH!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!


love you lots!

this is number 14!!

2011!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Let's hope this year brings better things than the last. I send the warmest wished to you and yours in this time of happiness and rebirth. May you live in interesting times.

Best in 2011 - Mathias.

It Gets Better

...This is going to be a big one so bare with me. I've recently been watching the videos from the trevor project people and their it gets better initiative. Check out the ones posted by google and facebook employees, very cool. I've had a very emotional last few days and I turned to these videos for encouragement as such I would like to add my own voice to the outcry of society. Say no to suicide because it gets better.

So, let's begin: Does it get better? Honestly? It doesn't have to, but you can make it better. Everything in life is temporary and everyone suffers from good days and bad days. Look at things this way: You are superior to them because of your struggle. You are less likely to take someones feelings for granted or bully someone else or react badly to a secret someone has. Simply because you've been through it all before. Things can get better every thing you go through can and will make you a stronger and better person. Suicide is never the answer.

That's not to say that I myself haven't thought about it. See, unlike a lot of the videos where people talk about how it gets better because they have struggled and came out and what not, I myself am still in the closet. Things are still in the process of getting better for me.

About two days ago I had it all planned out. Simple really, the pills were all in my hand and I knew I just knew that if I took enough no one would find me for at least two days or so. I would succeed, no one would be able to stop me...I would end it right there. I believe the statistics are really high for gay teen suicide and I know that most (if not all) of us have fantasied about suicide at one point or another. I can say this because sometimes it's easier to imagine a pain free world where we aren't there rather than where things are better. Perhaps some of us even seek to hurt our oppressors, to show them how painful they've made our lives by committing suicide.

But things are better for me, well better than they once were anyway. When I first realized I was gay there was a massive stage of denial. Constant frenzied denial and acceptance took years. Two or three I think. But even once I had accepted that I was gay I still saw it as a problem, an affliction. Something I had to get rid of, a cross I had to carry.

It would be another few years before I came to realize that the conflict between my sexuality and my religion (and family) was due to them. Not me. It's their hate, their problem, their issue. I hadn't chosen to be gay and if I didn't chose to be gay then they must be the ones choosing. They were choosing to hate me.

Being financially dependent on my family I have remained in the closet (sort of, that's another story) and only came out on the Internet to close friends from foreign countries too. I can't explain how bad things are at home without giving out my identity but my father is a deeply religious figure. My mom as well. They are both Christian individuals and I was raised extremely sheltered and religious. My entire family is homophobic and I grew up hearing how badly god was going to punish me (gay people) for being gay. Over the years I have broached the topic of gay people with different family members.

My brothers threatened to beat the crap out of me if I was gay...

...

Sigh. Anyway, yes, my family would no doubt disown me if I was gay. To them social image is a lot and to my being gay would be a total social debacle all my itself. My dad is...not a very tolerant person. He threw out my sister more than twice already (my mom always brings her back) and he wanted to throw out my mom at one time. These are always for petty, small arguments and things he sees as "shameful" so...I know down to my core that my homosexuality would result in me being thrown out. Before I was 18 they might have institutionalized me for "rehabilitation" but now that I'm an adult well...yeah.

It took about a year and a half to convince my mother to sit down and watch Ellen. Yes, that's right she won't even watch a tv show because the character is gay. Yes, things are that bad here. My school "friends" use the word gay to mean stupid and stuff which irks me to no end, and my church "friends" well...they agree with the Uganda bill let's just put it that way.

But this isn't suppose to be a depressing story (although I fear it is) this is supposed to be more uplifting and stuff. Where's the good part? Oh, right. So I eventually came to realize that this hate was on them, not on me. I didn't have to deal with them if I didn't want to. One day I will get out of this terribly homophobic country, and find new friends. Friends who wouldn't stop speaking to me if I was gay (or spread it behind my back if I was closeted) and these friends would become my family. Closer than I am to my actual family, sure I had to mourn the loss of my family but it's just something I had to do. Not everyone will loss their family because of their orientation but some of us will...

So you know why things get better? Because you're alive. You chose everyday to stop the hate from affecting you and you live your life and you continue doing it because one day you'll walk past these old "friends" and bullies with your head held high. I intend to introduce my parents to my husband some day. (This might kill them but...yes.) Things only stop getting better when you're dead. As long as there's life there's hope and things will get better. One day you'll wake up and accept yourself; then someone will affect you. Then a group of people will, then that one special person will and eventually the world. We need this hope, this struggle. They want a war? I say we give them a war. Let's fight them; make things better.

GAY Pride

Has anyone been keeping up with the It Gets Better initiative? As created by the Trevor Project? Well, I will be posting my own it gets better soon (in written form of course) but until then this is the best one that I've seen so far.

New day...?

WOW! Oh my god. I've been running this blog for almost two years now, and I've been inactive for about a 3/4 of that. I will be attempting a revamp again and we'll just have to see how well that goes for us.

Oops!

Has it been so long since I last posted here? I guess I must restart this blog once more... -sigh-

Excerpt From My Life

Do you remember primary school? A time when everything was nice and sweet and good? Well, for me I don't know about that, because I can barely remember primary school. Standards (Grades) 1 through 5 are a blur to me. Literally almost no recollection. However I do remember certain key moments. Like the morning of writing SEA, or getting results. I remember the class, and some teachers. But other than that not much.

I also remember my best friend, and that's who this story is about. I guess I'm just feeling rather nostalgic right now so I'm going to take a trip down memory lane.

We were the best of friends, him and I. I was the weird child but for some strange reason he was my friend. In fact, even though I hung out with all the boy's from school (well most of them) it was only because they liked him and barely tolerated me.

I guess I was always quite the strange person, but we were in primary school. We didn't understand stereotypes and cliches, and who was richer and poorer and gender and sexuality was ground into one simple thought "girls were icky." A thought which I maintained for the rest of my life, btw.

Okay, so back to my bf. I can't remember his name, seriously I would change it if I did but I don't. So we'll call him Sean. Sean and I were inseparable. I remember once we were talking and I said something like "I have plenty boy friends" to which he gasped and I quickly corrected the sentence.

I had of course meant that I had more male friends than female friends but even at that young age we were taught that statements like that were "wrong." So Sean and I were inseparable and he was the nicest boy I've ever met. He tolerated me and all my little quirks. I was quite a weird child, okay I am a weird child, up until recently I was completely unable to tie my shoe laces. He would tie them for me. Day after day, whenever they got untied wherever we were, he would do it. Sweet, no?

I also remember that we naively had a "fight" over who's hand was marked first. See, you know there veins in your hand somehow form a letter? Like an 'M' well, both ours matched and we insisted that it was because we held hands so much. Ah, childhood. It was the most adorable thing ever. Completely innocent, we were children. All children are like this, but isn't it just sweet?

I don't remember much else, but I remember we played a lot of stupid games and had fun for no real reason. We were young, innocent and stupid. And then, suddenly the strangest thing happened. We'd always be in the same class, or at least the same grade and this solidified our "friendship." But Come standard four he was kept back in Standard 3, or kept back in 4 when we entered 5. I don't remember.

Either way, apparently since our friendship was no longer convenient he simply wasn't my friend anymore. He stopped being my friend, if he ever was, and simply taunted and ridiculed me. I don't remember if I did something to him, but I don't think that was it. Suddenly we were aware of our differences I was moving on and he was being left behind. Perhaps if I had been older I would had understood that and reached out to him, but then if I was older I would have been smart enough to never become friends with him.

So I was thinking about him today. What ever happened to him? My first best friend. Makes me crave a boyfriend for some strange reason. A boyfriend who will tie my shoes for me! Kidding, kidding. Seriously though, I don't know if to be happy or sad that we stopped being friends. I mean, it happened to me and almost everyone else from Primary school but he was...-sigh- I don't know. Seriously, he has all the markings to become one of those arrogant, brand name wearing, pretty boy, idiots that I don't like from school. So maybe it was for the best.

Maybe he was my imaginary friend...